

IDK. I know this is almost a week after you posted this. So for all I know you probably feel different now than you did last week. But I was crawling around and saw this thread, and still figured maybe it would be worthwhile to say something. Thread sounds a lot like the Thought Cabinet in Disco Elysium, when Harry Du Bois thinks over communism.
“0.000% of Communism has been built. Evil child-murdering billionaires still rule the world with a shit-eating grin. All he has managed to do is make himself sad. He is starting to suspect Kras Mazov fucked him over personally with his socio-economic theory. It has, however, made him into a very, very smart boy with something like a university degree in Truth. Instead of building Communism, he now builds a precise model of this grotesque, duplicitous world.”
The existential, and frankly eldritch, horror of fighting against capitalism is a very real and understandable thing. You’re not alone, you are seen, and you are one of many who are building the precise model of this grotesque, duplicitous world for the sake of reverse-engineering and reconstruction. Just, not everyone who is doing so are doing so super publicly, or in spaces we necessarily inhabit. I could ramble on and on and on, in fact I had to cut what I typed here down to about half of what I wrote for the sake of not being uh, overwhelming.






I used to (and sometimes relapse) struggle a lot with always wanting to be liked by everyone. Like, to a really bad extent. A huge bunch of reasons for it, too, and just as many if not more reasons as to why that effort didn’t work out (and instead got me very disliked).
To speak anecdotally… As I’ve gotten older (and I mean legitimately older, not just “internet older”), I’ve had to accept the bitter truth that I can’t just ask to sit at every one else’s table all the time. I didn’t ask for my existence to be approved by other people. Instead, I’ve had to adopt the mindset of setting up my own table and being strict about who I allow to sit with me. It gets easier as you get older, not to assume too much here. Just… IDK a lot of the time this kind of worry stems from people who are younger.
You are you (and that’s the most awesome thing you can be regardless and including of everything that entails), and people are going to have to take it or leave it. The trash takes itself out at that point. The important thing is not letting this be an excuse to not look inwards and try to heal what can be healed. Many have used this logic to instead eternally cope rather than working with what they have going on.