i grew up in an abusive household too but thankfully it was never sexual or violent (although i guess im not counting all the spanking… with a wooden spoon…), but was absolutely emotionally abusive. its hard to describe to people how bad it was and how it made me feel. every failure was my fault and punishable according to the capricious whims of my dad, and every success was expected and served only to raise the bar for next time. i never knew for sure what would set him off and earn me some kind of punishment. sometimes it was obvious, not meeting some obligation i was aware of but couldnt meet because of how my brain works. sometimes i just violated some unspoken expectation i could never have known because i was never told. sometimes for no reason at all just because he was in a bad mood and i happened to be in view. sometimes, a lot of times actually, i got in trouble just for having feelings about things, positive or negative. i felt like all they really wanted was an obedient doll who stayed out of the way when they didnt want something from me.
the worst part of all of it was that everyone around me acted like it was my fault. i wanted to be good. i wanted to be safe. i wanted to trust and love my parents and live up to their expectations and for them to be proud of me. but it was impossible and that was my fault. i was bad. i was disobedient. i had a problem with authority. no one had to look for a reason for it to be my fault they just knew it was at a glance.
sometimes i feel like it would have been better if something worse happened, so at least i could show someone the evidence of my abuse. some major injury maybe. bruises. a broken limb. something. all i got was deep emotional scars that im still trying to work through and heal, 12 years after moving out of their house.
idk why i typed all this. i hope youre doing ok these days.
i grew up in an abusive household too but thankfully it was never sexual or violent (although i guess im not counting all the spanking… with a wooden spoon…), but was absolutely emotionally abusive. its hard to describe to people how bad it was and how it made me feel. every failure was my fault and punishable according to the capricious whims of my dad, and every success was expected and served only to raise the bar for next time. i never knew for sure what would set him off and earn me some kind of punishment. sometimes it was obvious, not meeting some obligation i was aware of but couldnt meet because of how my brain works. sometimes i just violated some unspoken expectation i could never have known because i was never told. sometimes for no reason at all just because he was in a bad mood and i happened to be in view. sometimes, a lot of times actually, i got in trouble just for having feelings about things, positive or negative. i felt like all they really wanted was an obedient doll who stayed out of the way when they didnt want something from me.
the worst part of all of it was that everyone around me acted like it was my fault. i wanted to be good. i wanted to be safe. i wanted to trust and love my parents and live up to their expectations and for them to be proud of me. but it was impossible and that was my fault. i was bad. i was disobedient. i had a problem with authority. no one had to look for a reason for it to be my fault they just knew it was at a glance.
sometimes i feel like it would have been better if something worse happened, so at least i could show someone the evidence of my abuse. some major injury maybe. bruises. a broken limb. something. all i got was deep emotional scars that im still trying to work through and heal, 12 years after moving out of their house.
idk why i typed all this. i hope youre doing ok these days.