Honestly been pretty down in the dumps lately. I went to an old friends funeral this month, after he died by his own hand, and it was fucking tragic.

Just this weekend i learned that my old (falling out) best friend died too, by “stabbing himself and getting tazed by police”. And i dont know how to feel about it. On one hand i know he would have been one of the meanest people that find out about my transition. On the other hand i have so many memories with him that arent blocked off by other childhood traumas.

This summer honestly fucking sucked. Partner and i have been taking a break from eachother, 11 yrs will do that to ya. So i havent seen my kid nearly as much as usual for the summer, cause its usually everyday. I miss being the stay at home mom. I miss my kids.

And on top of everything else the question myself thoughts are strong lately. Like “am i fucking my life up?” “Am i really trans?” “am i going to hate myself even more?” Im coming up on half a year HRT and im still fucking sitting here wondering if i really am like this. Ive started growing a chest, honestly is not helping in those moments. But it helps during euphoria, so its a mixed bag.

I look like a girl(sometimes), i smell like a girl, i feel like a girl. So why is it still hard? Why are the depression and feelings coming back stronger, instead of abating finally? When will i fucking feel like i can use the fucking restroom in public?? When tf will i be able to swim in a fucking swimsuit instead of shorts and a tshirt?

This summer was supposed to be so freeing, but it turned into an emotional prison. Ive really tried staying connected here, and connecting with irl people who accept me. But i also get the curse of social phobia, my social battery is teeny tiny. Its gotten larger since transition, but its even harder to maintain. But if im not doing something, seeing someone, living life, then im stuck in my own head with feelings and thoughts that just make me want to die.

My therapist helps. But only so much, theres only so much affirmations from therapy can do when i cant remember half my life. And next appt isnt for 3 weeks.

I want to go further in the times of euphoria, like laser and stuff. But with everything piling on i havent been able to make the time. Everything in my life with my partner is more important than that. Its kills me, knowing im stagnating again on something i want. In the good times, ive never felt so happy. In the bad times, exact opposite.

Who knows if theres more wrong with me waiting to be found? I sure as hell dont. My therapist doesnt, my doctor doesnt either. How tf am i supposed to figure it all out?

I KNOW i never want to dress in gross baggy boy pants or jeans and a button up or whatever, or a fucking suit. It disgusts me actually. But then the feelings dont make sense, and are just fucking confusing. Like, what the fuck does my brain expect me to wear or conform as?

How much longer is it all going to take? Idk, i guess im committed now. Im here for the ride, no matter what. I dont want to leave this existence, but i wish it was a little god damn easier

Idk, im writing this as a vent of a kind. Just screams into the void. I dont expect replies.

Brooke is depressed… 😭😭