ETA: Thank you all for providing your opinion about this question. I’m contacting my mother and asking her about what she would want, I’ll follow her lead and support what she decides. As said I don’t believe she wants those toxic family members or her families around on a moment so special like saying your last goodbye to a husband. And neither do I.
I’d prefer a public funeral excluding them or conducting a small Christian ritual for family only where we can mourn him like we want but if she wants them around, so be it.
Funerals are for the living.
Thank you all.
My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I don’t believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.
Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as you’re not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.
I wouldn’t mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I don’t call them. What for?
I’m better off without them and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.
Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family won’t bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I won’t attend a funeral with people I don’t like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldn’t it be nice…?)
My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him ‘sure, I’ll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much about’ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasn’t born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because ‘we’re family’.
I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesn’t start feeling sad or feels I’m attacking him. It doesn’t feel right.
But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I don’t care about.
So what do I do?
true, but my mother might. There is really that much animosity.
As a matter of fact, on one of my great grandfather’s funeral 2 brothers banded together to exclude a third one from the funeral. According to my father, this person had to leave the cemetery but then climbed up a tree next to the wall to watch the ceremony.
So there is already a precedent about excluding unwanted visitors from a funeral in my completely normal family 🤣
If my father’s sister outlives him, I will not allow her to come to his funeral. I might even spit in her stupid bitch face. If she dies first, I will not attend hers, even if he begs me to, but I’ll go piss on her grave while the dirt is fresh.
I’m guessing the people in this thread calling similar feelings “petty” or “insane” just don’t have the same level of trauma.
My father would want his sister at his funeral, and wants us to reconcile. I know she will behave selfishly and be rude to/about my mother, and I will not tolerate it, and therefore will not honor his wishes. I support you and your mother in not allowing your father’s sisters to attend, however you just need to be aware that the optics will be bad and people will talk shit. But it won’t matter, b/c I’m assuming you’re like me and the only reason you even acknowledge your aunts exist is for your father’s sake. Once he’s passed, you have every right to tell them to fuck right the fuck off.
Love you. Wishing you and your family (the family of your choice!) ease and softness.
no doubt about it, specially in the south.
correct, there is a huge bias on this thread about family, happy family, keeping up appearances… I never expected it to be that strong.
your first paragraph made me laugh.
Good luck to you.
Yikes… Unless something truly terrible happened, that level of pettiness you’re describing is crazy. My family is insane on both sides, so I get things off things being normalized, but barring a close family member from attending a funeral they clearly very much wanted to witness is extreme.
One thing I learned from my own dysfunctional family is that their past behavior and decisions aren’t an excuse for me to repeat the behavior. Unless you want to carry the drama torch yourself, it’s time to take a step back and look at the big picture. How much do you want this animosity between your mom and aunts to influence your life? If you truly don’t care about them and their opinions, why are they worth you missing your own father’s funeral?
This year marks the 10 year anniversary of my adoptive mom passing away. There were many people at her funeral that I was happy to never have to see again. I don’t know the details of your situation, but try to keep in mind this is a decision you’ll only get to make once.