My teen has been leaning nonbinary through adolescence and recently came out explicitly to my spouse and I. We’ve always been allies and queer-affirming, but my spouse seems to be struggling with having a child who is not cis — not opposed, just lost. And I have to acknowledge that I am probably ignorant of the issues a young nonbinary person might face.
I don’t want to just be “good enough”. I want to be supportive to my child. Are there any good resources for parents in this situation? Places to read about the struggles and experiences they are going to face?
As the mom of an 11yo who pulled an uno reverse moment when I came out to them, I think even just being willing to be supportive is more than a lot of kids will get. I came out to mine as trans 2 years ago and they were like “oh, um. I’ve been thinking about how to tell you I think I’m nonbinary.” They were worried we’d think they were just wanting attention, poor thing.
My suggestion: ask what terms they feel the most at home with, don’t just assume anything stays the same unless they explicitly say they want it to. For example: “How would you like us to refer to you? “Child”? “Kiddo”? “Son/daughter” still apply?”
And then ask things like (if afab) “Do you want to be ‘one of the girls’ or ‘one of the boys’ if gender split stuff comes up at a party or hangout?” And "If I’m calling for you and your friends - what should I be calling out? “Boys”? “Girls”? “Kids”?
Note: we ask these things not because we want to force them into one, but because we want to help them feel comfortable knowing the answers in low-pressure situations so that they are never put on the spot about it.
Ask about wardrobe, hairstyles, other details of presentation, and importantly: let them try out and enjoy stuff. Or hate stuff. Ours got a should length side-shave haircut and they love it, but you’ve got to be willing to let them experiment or they’ll never get a chance to figure themselves out.