Edit: thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must’ve had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵

cw: passive suicidal thoughts

I wish that I didn’t feel the need to feel any purpose with my existence or meaning in life, but I do and it hurts so badly. I was so close to going to the psychiatric ER today because I didn’t know what to do with the immense, overwhelming chest pain. I “play” with the thought of ceasing to exist because I hate that I’m just a piece of meat. All I do is survive each day. Alone and ugly. I wish I was a simpleton. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn moment. I got some morphine pills the other day, a fairly minor dosage, to help me endure IPL hair removal. I have a few pills left that could make me numb and dumb for a few hours. Not that it’s a viable solution. Next year, when I have saved up some money, I’m thinking about traveling abroad again in order to rediscover myself. I feel so silly. Sorry. Aight. Night. 🌃

  • polariscap@lemmy.cafeEnglish
    4·
    6 days ago

    You’re not silly — you’re totally, totally relatable!

    The thing I relate to least is the IPL hair removal (basically stopped shaving body hair when I was 23). But other than that.

    At some point every not-so-simpleton wishes for meaning in work/life/existence. Not everyone has these wishes at the same time, so it may feel like you’re alone, but I guarantee you’re not- it’s only natural. Plus our boring dystopia / capitalism keeps us overworked and extra unfulfilled.

    As I’ve gotten older my sense of ‘time’ has radically shifted. I know for sure I don’t have enough time to achieve all the great things I wish I could’ve strived for earlier. But I can keep busy with smaller goals, or unexpected moments, or meeting new people, or trying things out for a lark (rather than trying something Big and Meaningful right at the start and punishing myself for failing).

    Don’t underestimate depression, certainly seek treatment and relief for that, but know that this is a lull or a low and at some point you will find something fascinating again. 🫂 Emotional existential growing pains? You might need the morphine more later, might as well save it for Later-You.

    Travel would be great 🙂 Though I’m also reminded of the SNL parody commercial (TV comedy sketch) with Adam Sandler as a travel agent — “We can take you for a hike; we canNOT turn you into a person who likes hiking…”

    • printf("%s", name);@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      2·
      5 days ago

      Thank you for such a spot on reply! I feel understood!!! 😍

      As I’ve gotten older my sense of ‘time’ has radically shifted. I know for sure I don’t have enough time to achieve all the great things I wish I could’ve strived for earlier. But I can keep busy with smaller goals, or unexpected moments, or meeting new people, or trying things out for a lark (rather than trying something Big and Meaningful right at the start and punishing myself for failing). This is indeed one of the things I’m struggling with. On days that I don’t feel totally worthless, I’m trying to saturate my everyday and my heart with the small things: reading, talking to strangers, eating good food, listening to music, exercising. Somtimes it really makes me feel fullfilled, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t, I start looking for happiness with a capital H…

      Don’t underestimate depression, certainly seek treatment and relief for that, but know that this is a lull or a low and at some point you will find something fascinating again. 🫂 Emotional existential growing pains? You might need the morphine more later, might as well save it for Later-You. If there is one thing, one improvement I have made recently, it’s being able to accept my depression and to take one day, one step at a time. With the antidepressants, I can at least get out of bed. Yeah, I’ll save to morphine for a rainy day. 🤣

      Travel would be great 🙂 Though I’m also reminded of the SNL parody commercial (TV comedy sketch) with Adam Sandler as a travel agent — “We can take you for a hike; we canNOT turn you into a person who likes hiking…” I had never seen this one before. It was great. I laughed hard. 🤣 But it also hit hard. Damn, why did they have to make it so poignant. 🤣

      Thank you so much for your beautiful humanity!

      • polariscap@lemmy.cafeEnglish
        1·
        5 days ago

        I love that one 😅 Here’s to saving up for your next trip maybe getting to ride a zipline (wheee)