I feel like a deadbeat (which I probably am tbh).

I looked into the etymology of the word because it’s important sometimes to question the language that capitalism thinks is normal. Here’s what I found:

“worthless sponging idler,” 1863, American English slang, perhaps originally Civil War slang, from dead (adj.) + beat. Earlier dead beat was used colloquially as an adjectival expression, “completely beaten, so exhausted as to be incapable of further exertion” (1821), and perhaps the base notion is of “worn out, good for nothing.” It is noted in a British source from 1861 as a term for “a pensioner.” The English, characteristically, turned up their noses at the American use.

In England “dead beat” means worn out, used up. … But here, “dead beat” is used, as a substantive, to mean a scoundrel, a shiftless, swindling vagabond. We hear it said that such a man is a beat or a dead beat. The phrase thus used is not even good slang. It is neither humorous nor descriptive. There is not in it even a perversion of the sense of the words of which it is composed. Its origin

It also was used of a kind of regulating mechanism in pendulum clocks.

So you might actually be a deadbeat in the British meaning of worn out, but especially at your age, that isn’t a permanent state of being.

The US meaning would be more appropriately applied to the billionaires living on yachts, who take lots at the cost of others’ health and wellbeing, and don’t even try to give in return.

OTOH, a person who is ill in some way, who because of this is struggling to meet standards that are considered basic, can only be considered worthless if we are stripping them of their humanity and saying that you only have worth if you can meet certain standards of labor. Which is a horrible way to view a person. Now let’s look at sponging:

The slang sense of “deprive someone of (something) by sponging” is by 1630s; the intransitive sense of “live in a parasitic manner, live at the expense of others” is attested from 1670s (to live upon the sponge “live parasitically” is by 1690s); sponger (n.) in reference to “one who persistently lives parasitically on others” also is from 1670s. Originally the victim was the sponge (1620s), because that person was being “squeezed.” Sponge (n.) in a general sense of “object from which something of value may be extracted” is by 1600s. Sponge (n.) in reference to the sponger is by 1838 and reverses the older sense.

Once again, it is the capitalist class who lives parasitically, not a depressed person. Wanting you to matter too insofar as you get the care you need to survive is not the same as treating people like a resource to extract from.

It is literally impossible to reach adulthood without receiving a lot of care and help from others, so nobody is getting out of that, no matter how bootstraps they want to consider themself to be; which means we all share an experience of getting help from each other to one degree or another. Hyper individualism paints a picture that once you ding adulthood, you abandon all of that and become a bootstraps tugger now, but pulling oneself up by their bootstraps originated as a saying that meant something impossible to do.

And now idler: This one is pretty straightforward, “one who spends his time in inaction.” This means little on its own. There are plenty of valid reasons to be inactive, such as when resting or when healing from an injury. Capitalism often equates effort put in as value produced, but it’s very easy to do busywork and go nowhere fast in a lot of contexts. Being idle is not intrinsically much of anything other than being idle. We cannot be in motion all of the time and we will burn out and break down if we try.

This may seem excessively pedantic, but the point is to interrogate the language that can be used to hurt us, that is easy to reflexively believe in. I myself sometimes have moments I think of myself as a “loser”, but these days there’s a part of me in the back who is like, “Isn’t winner and loser (in the sense of identity in life) a capitalist framing?” The billionaires are incredible winners in a capitalist metric of value and we despise them for good reason.

https://wwoof.net/

This can help you get out and feel accomplished with something you’ve done

Cherry season starts any day now in the northern hemisphere. You can get out of the house, go camp on a farm, make a bit of money, meet some weird people. It did me a lot of good when I was your age.

it sounds like your mental health is your primary contradiction, so i would use the time and opportunity you currently have to work on that and general self-care.

one thing that has helped me a lot to that end has been clearly distinguishing between validity and truth. every feeling and thought that you experience is completely valid, or in other words it is rational for you to experience it, both now and historically. as hegel said, “the real is rational and the rational is real.” but, just because something is valid doesn’t necessarily make it correct.

in order to separate those two in practice, i would try to determine some thoughts or feelings that you think may be incorrect, try to mull over the rationale behind why you thought or felt that thing in the first place (this can sometimes take a long time, and a good therapist can help with this process), and then start to slowly correct that behavior over time.

a pretty common example of this that i suspect you may be experiencing is feeling a sense of worthlessness by not being able to work. while there may be many reasons for feeling this, both in general and specific to your own life experience, a common reason why people feel this way under capitalism is that people are only socially valued for the productive labor they can contribute to society. this is despite the fact that everyone inherently provides other types of value to society, and a pause in socially productive labor doesn’t necessarily mean a complete stop, either. even though we all want to be as socially productive as we can reasonably manage, feeling worthless is actually counterproductive to that goal.

finally, i just want to clarify something regarding incorrect feelings. it may be confusing to you or others to hear me call some feelings incorrect, but simultaneously valid. after all, we don’t really have direct control over our emotions, we feel what we do in order to process the world around us and help us communicate (to others or to ourselves) what our needs are. however, many emotions (these are typically referred to as secondary emotions) are themselves directly influenced by how we use thoughts and ideas to interpret stimuli, including our own initial emotional response to something (referred to as primary emotions, which i don’t think can ever be incorrect). and we do have the capacity to have control over our thoughts, thus giving us some indirect control over our incorrect secondary emotions.

hope that made sense and is helpful to you! know that you’re not alone, and that i’m in a very similar situation to you too. mental health struggles are real, and are becoming all the more common.

I have no job and no education, I just volunteer as a groundskeeper at an old anglican church. I believe that volunteering is really good, but I don’t recommend volunteering for large organisations, especially political ones. I just mow lawns and rake leaves and stuff. Very wholesome. The only community that I’m a part of is a weekly open mic at a cafe, and occasional ticket $ gigs or maybe board games with the homies. I still suck at Settlers Of Catan. Usually I hide in my room and just play games on Xbox. At 35 I really don’t care about anything any more. If I get a job it’ll be e-scooters or aged care. Warehouse and forklifts is trash work, stressful and dangerous. If they’ll hire anyone then that’s a warning sign to me.

We all need to bring back board games. Start with a game like quoridor (really stupid game but good for trolling) and also World Changers. Seriously comrades this game called World Changers could save someone’s life, buy it, try it out, spread the word. The game has Karl Marx and Che Guevara as character cards (also Bach and Gengis Khan and some ancient greek stuff).

I bought Ticket To Ride (Europe edition) but I haven’t taken it from its box just yet. It’s hard to organise with people but if you’re already friends with political activists who’re similar age, have similar views, then start with those people and expand toward less political people.

We don’t have to be isolated.

edit: btw I gave up on education too. It costs a lot and I can’t live comfortably with 5-10 flatmates nor can I easily travel to the campus.

Does it have to be job or apprenticeship? What about a college course? Good way to get out and meet people too. Or if that’s not an option, volunteer somewhere for a while, it will improve your mental health, gain work experience and maybe lead to a paid job later.

I feel for you comrade. I’ve had a very different journey than you but I’ve struggled with loneliness and lost friendships as well. I think an important thing to do in the short term is to reach out to your old friends. Some may be uninterested, but you might be surprised how easily many dormant friendships can be rekindled - I’ve had friends that I hadn’t spoken to for well over 5 years that picked back up like we didn’t miss a beat once I actually built up the nerve to reach out. This could be helpful to getting you out of a negative feedback loop.

you are so young to be a parent. i dont think the kid will resent u in the future if ure absent right now if u do get involved in the future, he will get it.

what i would do right now is reach out to an old friend or 2. idk if u remember this but u lowkey made fun of me 2 days ago and i dont resent u for it and im just a stranger, theres no way ur IRL friends dont care about you even if u lost the connection. just tell them ure struggling and need a distraction. dont ask them for pity or anything, just offer to go out to catch up. if any of your friends have kids, tell them about your situation. despite what the internet makes u think people have an evolutionary instinct to help parents in need

it goes without saying u should ask ur mom for help, but if u dont get along like that of course disregard it

u could also look into social programs. maybe its because im disabled and dont rly have an option but theres no shame in using the resources u have available.

as for the college, i dont know if ure in the US and have to deal with that debt or how that works, but if its possible u really should look into going back if it would make u happy. we BADLY need more communists in political science and many other facets of life and an educated communist helps the movement and gives u credibility. with that being said, it doesnt have to be a priority right now.

i know that this is easier said than done bc it takes funds but u should look into therapy if u dont already go. and also, importantly, make sure ur meds are right and look into changing them if something comes up, something to keep in mind

this is the advice i have. after u secure a connection it will become a ton easier to navigate ur feelings and find a way out and be in the babys life