I’m on a solo camping trip across the country, and have had to leave two campgrounds because men kept inching closer to my camp and scoping me out in ways that made me feel very uncomfortable. It’s different than when men see my car or tent and want to engage with me about it, that’s a very direct and friendly approach and I’m always happy to have those conversations. This was very predatory feeling, and now I’m keeping defensive things in my pockets at all times :/
The most telling thing about this account is the reaction: pretty much everyone knows it actually happens, and doesn’t contest it. Meanwhile, if a male claimed the same the immediate reaction would be intense skepticism - not because it can’t happen, but because it’s just nowhere near as much a common, daily occurrence as it is the other way around.
EDIT: uhg, sorry - having come from the “all” feed, I replied to this post without looking at the community name. I’m admittedly male, so if you want to remove my comment I understand. Sorry for the accidental intrusion.
Thank you very much for that edit and apology.
I live in one of the more statistically safe cities in the world, but old habits die hard and I always carry two knives in two different places on my person.
Knives are absolutely terrible for self defense. It not only takes a certain type of conviction that most people end up not having to stab or slash another, but they also do not always immediately disable an attacker. Unless you stab or slash the throat, eyes, or a tendon, you’ll more than likely just piss an attacker off. Pepper spray is a much more useful and easier to use self defense tool
Fwiw I agree with you. I had a knife one of the times I was raped and he easily overpowered me and turned the knife back on me. That time I nearly died. So I keep pointy knuckles (it looks like a cat head) and pepper spray on me now
Quite ironically, pepper spray is illegal for me to carry here. Knives are not.
Pepper spray is illegal here. Knives aren’t as long as you can sell it as a utility thing. Technically carrying anything for the express purpose of self-defense is illegal here.
Three comments in a thread where it is mentioned multiple times that it’s women only? It’s almost impressive how you managed to barge in here and start lecturing all of us without reading a single comment.
You have no idea how trained ZDL is at handling knives. Please don’t mansplain self protection.
Most people don’t know. This is a good thing. 😇
Tbf if you are trained at handling knives you probably wouldnt want to use them for self defense. Knives are terrible at defending yourself without killing your adversary. Pepper spray doesnt have the issue of having to defend yourself in a lawsuit afterwards and is more legal to carry around in most places.
If it comes to the point that the blades enter the chat, I’m at the point where I don’t care if my adversary lives or dies. It means I’ve already tried the routes of conflict avoidance and fleeing and these have failed me. They’ve committed.
Better to be judged by twelve than carried by six, as my trainer (I called him “Dad”) always said.
That’s all fine and dandy and you’re right. I still wouldn’t specifically single out ZDL while ignoring the rules of a community to give said advice like LostCarcosan did. ZDL was not saying she carries knives as advice, she was simply stating what she does to feel comfortable.
Yikes
Right back at ya
I’m nonbinary and I’ve definitely sat around waiting to be accused. I had some abusers in the past who liked to use DARVO. One system in particular fucking raped My ex-wife, but also accused Me of abusing it. Anyway, now that rapist is accusing the rape victim of being the abuser in the relationship between them. So it’s a bit clearer to bystanders now, and I’m mostly being left alone. But I was sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop for a long time, because shoes just kept dropping.
I guess what I’m saying, with regards to the whole #metoo movement, is that some rapists and abusers have learned how to use it for their own ends. You don’t see it so much with men, but in the sapphic and nonbinary community it’s rampant.
I do hate the “decent me aren’t sitting around worrying about being accused” not because it’s not true, but because it’s so easy to point at X Y or Z story where someone admitted they lied about the thing they accused a person of, but only years after the persons life was destroyed. Of course, the decent ones have no idea how to handle it BECAUSE they didn’t have a reason to worry about it.
<personal anecdote>
I myself have been accused of SAing a person at a party. The only party I ever went to in school consisted of show choir members chilling in a garage drinking, and only about half of us were drinking. Due to childhood trauma I cannot stand alcohol so I was one of the sober ones. When pointed out by someone else, the person almost immediately started backpeddaling to “it was a joke” but nobody laughed. Everyone was uncomfortable. And of course as more people hear about the event, the story gets diluted back to now people think I SAd someone when they’ve already said they lied about it. Not life ruining, but it very nearly got out of hand, and very quickly. The only reason I can think she thought to say that was she was mad at me for taking a solo in a song she wanted. Different friend groups, so the only thing we had in common was like 2 classes together.
I completely agree that women have a right to be safe. To name thier rapist and have thier day in court. To get justice.
But public opinion can really fuck your life up.
That hit home for me back in 2004 when I saw an episode of Law and Order: SVU. A teachers life gets torns to shreds. The episode ends with him on the stand breaking down in pain. Recounting how he lost his job, his kids and reputation. "All I can do is say I did not rape her. I did not rape her." Then the episode just ends. Don’t say if he’s guilty… Mind fuck.
Speaking of allegations…
I recall reading a story about a guy at a park wanting to take a picture of a statue and two siblings (children) also also taking pictures.
The man said to the kids “excuse me, when you’re done I’d like to take a turn to I can take a photo too” then the kids said “ok”
The mom runs up to said man and calls him a pedophile for talking to her kids.
She verbally attacks him. Somehow tracks down his identity. Doxxed him on FB. Valls him a pedophile in her Facebook feed and tells everyone he’s a predator that did something to her kids.
Small community it seems because his company let him go due to the drama. The unfounded accusation.
So the man sued the woman for defamation /slander.
She takes down all her posts and apologises. She “didn’t mean anything by it”Yeah. That fucking sucks.
I consider myself extremely respectful of women. Raised by my mother, grandmother and five sisters. Still my own damn chores and laundry. Made me a better adult.
Edit: I tried to find the story but can’t.
This is a women’s only community.
We actually had a semi-lengthy discussion about this in the comments which you clearly didn’t read along with ignoring the rules.
Technically 🤓 it’s a women and gender diverse community, since there are more than two genders
Absolutely!
Did you worry about being accused before it happened? No, which is WHY it fucked you up.
“Oh no this thing happened that nearly got out of hand”!" Oh you poor dear, we should immediately pack up attempts to fight casualisation of sexual assault in response
Your argument is that someone’s life was almost ruined and that they should just get over it?
Rude the rules.
Nope.
I was pointing out how the “shock” of the false accusation is actually a good indicator of the rarity of the act, so claiming "muh false accusation tho " is a pretty poor argument to use against the original post
Why generalise decent men if you don’t want to be pointed out?
Why you wanna recenter a post about sexual assault on women to “decent men”?
Cool, it’s fine to get mad and put words in my mouth. Byeee
“Decent men are not sitting around worrying about being accused.”
I have seen and heard of enough men being falsely accused of something they didn’t do, to not be worrying about it. A friend of mine once had a girl threatening to accuse him of rape. He was very confused because, as he said, she had been sitting on top for most of the act. Turned out she had a boyfriend, and said boyfriend had found out she had cheated on him. So now her plan was to falsely accuse my friend of rape to save her own ass.
Another story was of a girl who had been missing for a very long time. At some point, someone thought they had heard someone cry for help in their neighbors house and that someone had said their name was the name of the missing girl. The police searched every inch of the house, breaking up the floors and walls in search for hidden rooms. They didn’t find anything and the man who lived there was cleared of any suspicion. Well, technically. Because that poor man had to move far away due to the neighborhood harassing him because they still thought he had something to do with the crime. The missing girl was found murdered some years later and the real perpetrator was captured.
But this just show that even decent men have to worry about being accused.
It’s so cool when men come into this women’s only community and lecture at us.
There are bad actors everywhere of every gender.
It’s still true that decent men do not sit around worrying about being accused of being unsafe towards women.
Women wanting to be safe is not an attack on men.
The only thing I can comment on about what you are saying is that yes, innocent men are actually worried about being accused. As a small personal anecdote, I had an ex that was angry at me for telling her she needed to get a job after several months of just deciding to not work after we moved in together. After we broke up over it and I told her to move out, she told her entire family and new boyfriend that I had raped her and that was why we broke up. I’ve never done that and even the thought makes me nauseaus. Her boyfriend and 77 year old grandmother came to my house to collect a few of her things and her boyfriend tried to attack me. Her grandmother had to intercede to stop it because she knew that it wasn’t true.
Why the fuck do you think a post on a woman’s community talking about sexual assault is the place to seek someone to tell you you’re a good man and hand hold you through your personal neuroses and trauma.
Crying to a women’s group about being accused of rape when about half of us have been victims of rape and assault sure is a choice you made.
So because you had troubles makes other people’s troubles invalid? I wasn’t crying about anything. I was sharing an experience relevant to a topic at hand. Kind of a shitty double standard there and doesn’t really help either side. Having 5 sisters and mostly women friends, I very much am aware of the fears and struggles women face, even if I haven’t experienced them directly myself. Which is why I said the only thing I can comment on is that decent/innocent men do, indeed, worry about accusations. You are certainly making a whole lot of assumptions and are apparently pretty bad at nuanced understanding of complex situations.
Are you concussed or something? You’ve been told MULTIPLE TIMES now that this is a women’s only group and you persist in posting.
Are you stupid or are you an asshole? There’s no other option left.
I want to point this out again so you really understand here - you are ignoring this community’s wishes and rules. You are choosing to ignore our stated wishes and forcing your opinion and views onto us despite all of us saying we don’t want to hear it.
You are acting like a man who does not respect or care to understand what women want and you are choosing to do what YOU want regardless.
You ARE acting like a man who does not respect women’s boundaries.
Okay, not that this is your business, but I actually was born with a vagina, so nice assumption making you’re doing there. I’m taking horomones and have a beard now, sure, but still. You’re acting like the stereotypical idiot that everyone makes fun of and uses to belittle your entire opinion. I’ve not talked down to anyone nor have I made any assumptions about anyone or anything. You’re being overly hostile for no reason
Transmen are men, so the rules still apply to you.
I’m sorry you got accused of rape. But coming into a thread where the majority of people in the community have actually experienced rape and assault at the hands of men and sharing that story is tone deaf at best.
You’re acting like the stereotypical idiot that everyone makes fun of and uses to belittle your entire opinion.
I can’t tell you how many women have reached out to me directly to thank me for the ways I push back on the sexism on Lemmy and in this community.
You’re the one acting a fool in here.
The least you could do is respect that this is a women’s only space and leave us to our community.
Instead you are forcing yourself onto us here. So much for respecting women.
Behave like an adult.
There are other communities where LostCarcosan can get support for this issue.
They weren’t looking for support they were sharing their unique view and you got offered because it is a (trans) man in your echo chamber safe space. Grow up and treat people like people.
Their unique view isn’t wanted here. How hard is it to read the rules and respect them?
Grow up and respect women.
Oh sorry. Didn’t noticed it was a women’s only community. It just popped up in my feed and I replied. I’ll leave you to it then.
Hopefully we don’t get an influx of men crying about the chance of being accused of rape in a community of women where statistically 30% of us have been sexually assaulted and/or raped.
Statistically, 30% admit to being sexually assaulted (in the US).
Thank you, yes. Very important distinction. The numbers are much higher.
Which makes the whining even more cringe.
It’s way higher in my experience. One in four girls have been sexually abused before the age of 18, so not even counting after that.
You’re right, it’s definitely higher which is why I threw in “statistically”. It is very difficult to report and record sexual assault and rape cases for many reasons.
Sometimes this kind of conversation will attract men who want to be technically correct and I was trying to avoid arguing with anyone about what the “real” numbers are. So I pulled what we know for sure for my comment.
The fact that it’s even higher makes this kind of whinging to women about being seen as unsafe around women very cringe.
Only 30%? I’m actually surprised.
30% reported cases in the US anyway, which certainly doesn’t paint the entire picture.
Tbh I’d be surprised if we didn’t. Although our beloved blahaj admins work hard to ban people so hopefully most have been banned before
Thanks so much for stopping by! We are women only, and the rules are pinned at the top. Had to ban you thanks for understanding ❤️ 💙 💜 💖 💗
Hahahaha the tone dissonance here is impeccable 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵
Don’t try to draw attention away from the middle of the bell curve by discussing the tails.
