A few weeks after my 16th birthday, I made a new friend at my new school, Steve. Within months we’d become best friends and basically inseparable. Just platonic friends but we did everything together, went to music festivals, had our first foreign holiday together, took drugs together, shared our favourite books, had discussions long into the night, shared our secrets and problems that we’d never tell anyone else. Went through all kinds of difficulties and hardships and loss side by side. He was my best friend for nearly a decade, and at age 25 we finally lost touch. He moved to another city and my health took a turn for the worse. One day it was just the last time we saw each other and now it’s been 17 years.
Those 17 years haven’t been good for me, with my worsening health, having to give up work and socialising, and just losing all hope of ever having anything worthwhile. But I often thought of Steve and everything we’d shared.
Today i was googling people I’d known and I found a social media page for Steve. He’s now married with two kids. It seems crazy to me that this whole time I’ve been sitting here rotting alone he’s been living his best life. He and his wife and kids all look so happy in their pictures. All the photos are of them happily goofing around together with all their friends and family, going on holidays and living life. And I am happy for him, he was always a great friend and decent person who deserves to be happy but it just highlighted to me how empty and pointless my life is. 17 years have passed and what has changed for me? Just everything getting worse.
It’s also crazy to me that after such a long and close friendship i didn’t even know he was married, much less being invited to the wedding. So strange how you can be such close friends with someone for so long and not even be at their wedding. I was not well enough to go anyway but the not even being invited does hurt.
I don’t really know what I hope to achieve with this rant other than I have literally no-one else to talk to, and it’s hard and embarrassing living such a pathetic life when everyone I’ve ever known turned out to be “normal” while I’m now a weird loner shut in who can’t even eat without begging for handouts, who never goes anywhere other than hospital appointments and hasn’t spoken to anyone face to face other than hospital staff, benefit assessors and shop assistants for 17 years.
EDIT: I’m still creepily stalking Steve’s social media and I can’t believe this. He now works as a work coach for the DWP - one of those people who makes benefits claimants lives a misery by slave-driving them into unsuitable employment and sanctioning them (stopping their benefits) as punishment. I never thought he’d do a job like this, he used to be a real man of the people, now he’s on the opposing side. He always used to want to be an engineer. I wonder what happened.
The secret to keeping friends is to actually communicate with them at least every few weeks. It doesn’t need to be anything big, just checking in and signalling that you exist and do care. If you don’t do this, even if you yourself can remember, they might forget because tragically, this is just the way the human brain works for most people. When Steve moved, he likely went and looked out for other people to help him over the loss of this connection, and then they became his best friends, not immediately, but over the course of years and years. Even though none of this was your fault, how was he supposed to know you were still interested in his life after not hearing from you for over a decade?
A start of a good relationship begins with being okay for them to end. Doesn’t mean it won’t b painful and it’s idealistic to aim for a perfect one, but nobody has to actually achieve one.
It’s good to reach out to your friends, but if they don’t reach out to you, then it’s fine to also let go. Just like how it’s okay for you to leave your best friend, no matter how much they’ve reached out to you and you can do that at any moment, if they have a problem with that then they probably aren’t worth it. Nobody in this world is that special and that’s fine. Just people is enough, they don’t need to be special.
To most people in the world you are as important to them as I am important to you. It doesn’t matter how much wealth, beauty or commodities either of us have, truthfully neither of us will ever develop a meaningful relationship between one another. We just come here probably because our lives are kind of boring and we need a stimulus or we’re trying to influence others to do better, something along those lines. But I definitely wouldn’t take friendship advice from here or anywhere really, it’s best to let go of your expectations, focus on yourself and if you want to you can find people to tag along, it will get more difficult as we age, its’ more difficult the more out of “norms” you are too, sadly, it actually used to be easier for disabled people to live our lives, unless they needed medical advancement to survive (which most of us can’t afford to get anyways), but back in the day we could do something as simple as picking berries or cleaning the house and we’d be seen as worthy members of society. There’s valuable lessons in history, not to romanticize it, because advancement can bring great joy to many more people’s lives, it’s about who reaps the benefits of such advances.
Look at how poor, disorganized and desperate we are. Despite all that we still seem to be capable of figuring out a great deal of stuff and yet the richest of humanity seem entirely and completely incapable of running it smoothly. So much access to anything their minds desire and so little achievements. This is the end result of culture built on comparison, envy, demands. Don’t be like them.
I am not saying Steve should have kept in touch with me. I wouldn’t have been able to socialise anyway as I’ve spent a large chunk of the past 17 years in hospital/bedridden/too sick for social contact anyway as I’ve had cancer and a stroke. I’m just saying seeing the social media page reminded me of how my life could have been filled with friends and happiness if I hadn’t got sick.
I’m really sorry that life has been so rough for you. I wish I could offer you some sort of comfort. Your post was very relatable to me, although your situation is definitely much worse than mine.
Have you thought about reaching out to Steve? Maybe sending him a message on that social media site where you found his profile? I know it’s easy to think “oh they wouldn’t want to hear from me” or something similar, but you never know. He might be very happy to hear from you, maybe he’s been missing you too over the years and just didn’t have your contact info.
I’ve thought about it but I don’t think so. He might want to meet up and I’m just not well enough. Also too embarrassed to see people I used to know as I look terrible, my hair is falling out, I’m swollen and puffy with edema, I’ve lost 4 teeth, my skin is a wreck and I walk with a limp. And it’s just embarrassing that I’m alone and have done nothing with my life. I know people will say “Oh he’s your friend, he won’t care,” but there have been a few instances over the years where I have bumped into someone I used to know, they’ve asked me what I’ve been doing and when they find out I’m long term unemployed they make it clear they are disgusted and unimpressed and don’t see my health issues as a good excuse. Most people are so brainwashed by capitalism that all that really matters to them is your employment status.
I completely understand, I’m also disabled and have similar feelings about not wanting anyone to see me (I honestly can’t even remember the last time I left my apartment). And I know what you mean about people being so judgmental if you’re unemployed, it really sucks. Feel free to message me if you ever want someone to chat with. I wish you all the best in finding whatever level of comfort or stability you can in your situation.
Thanks.
That sounds painful. Do you think the health people would set you up some telehealth counseling? I think it would greatly benefit you, if you can get it and you do the painful work.
I’ve had 5 mental health therapies on the NHS already and they were all so awful most actually made me feel worse. Therapy is totally pointless for anything other than trying to help me win my benefit appeal.
Good therapy will absolutely make you feel worse, for a while. Bad therapy will too.
It’s all bad therapy on the NHS. I’ll give some examples. I had one therapist who was this hippie woman in purple flowing robes. I explained to her that I’ve already made one suicide attempt and was on the brink of making another. I told her all my issues. Her therapy was that she told me to buy the New Age book “The Secret,” about the law of attraction and use it to attract whatever I want into my life, then my life will be great and I won’t be suicidal any more.
Another therapist, the entire therapy was her telling me to write lists of why I shouldn’t feel bad. Write a list of reasons why I shouldn’t feel depressed, or anxious, and whenever I feel depressed or anxious, look at the list and I won’t feel depressed or anxious any more. Surprisingly, didn’t help.
My last therapist did EDMR, and I asked for that but she refused. She said EDMR is only for people who are no longer in the bad spot in their lives. Since my life is still bad it will be totally unsuitable and make me feel worse. So she just wasted the time in our sessions doing nonsense like shitty guided meditations and drawing pictures, anything to fill up the time so she could collect her paycheque. When I said the sessions weren’t working for me and I wanted to quit, she said if I quit she would inform the DWP. She’d written a letter of support for my benefit appeal, and said she would call them and retract it if I quit (because if I quit she would no longer get paid.) I said, this could cause me to lose my benefit appeal, leave me permanently destitute and I’d end up homeless. She didn’t care at all and said if I end up homeless, she’ll give the phone number of a homeless shelter. The bleach and room scents in that building also gave me severe migraines every week and she didn’t care and ignored my requests to move the sessions to a different room or outside.
I had one therapist who, when I spoke about a time I’d been kidnapped off the street and SA’d by a gang of 4 men, tried to get me to sympathise with my attackers and see it from their point of view, saying they were probably just victims going through a hard time themselves. I was even told that my choice of attire had encouraged the attack.
I was given two therapy sessions straight after my suicide attempt. This was when I was in the intensive care unit, still being treated for the physical affects. I was extremely confused due to the high levels of medication I was on and they actually thought this was a good time to make me go through therapy. I was so ill I couldn’t sit up, so confused I didn’t know what was happening during the sessions and after one session the therapist just put me out the door expecting me to find my own way back to my bed. I was so confused and lost I ended up sitting on the floor in a hallway with my head between my knees, not knowing what to do or where to go until the nurses from the ward eventually came looking for me and found me when I didn’t return after a while.
These are just a few examples. This is the therapy that’s on offer from the NHS. It is all worse than useless and I really hope I never have to engage with any of it ever again.
They pay The Secret peddler? Stunning. The one encouraging you to write lists is aware of neuroplasticity. It’s not instant, and they should have warned you it’s a multiple times a day exercise, and given you some CBT/DBT homework.
I can tell you that being on low income therapy, off and on for 40 years, I had more bad therapists than good. What eventually did help me was sticking with it and doing as much research and testing for myself as I could find approaches. Of course this took all of my free time, when I was working full and overtime, and most of it when I was completely unemployed.
Eventually I recognized if anyone was going to save me, it was going to be me. It only took repeated physically, financially, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationships and a couple of very real, very close NDEs to finally get that. I had a choice where no options seemed particularly desirable.
It sucks that it’s like this, but lamenting it doesn’t change it. I hope you find a solution that you find tolerable. I think you deserve a fair chance at a good life. Unfortunately, your hardest work may only yield a tolerable life. I wish you the best you can make of it.
I am already exhausted beyond endurance by cancer treatment, endless benefit appeals, hunger, endless struggles to access food, and chronic pain. I don’t have the energy to spend years doing therapy exercises in the vain hope they may one day make me feel a fraction better. My life is never going to be decent, I have accepted that fact. It’s just even more exhausting having people try to push therapy on me, it’s just extra work for very little potential reward. It’s not going to end my severe chronic pain, it’s not going to fill my belly, it’s not going to keep a roof over my head, it’s not going to make my disabilities or sickness disappear. All it is, is a fake cope. Nothing is going to save me. I’m just not interested in bothering with it any more.
I completely understand. Mentally, I have been there. I wish you the best, comrade. 🫂
He was my best friend for nearly a decade, and at age 25 we finally lost touch. He moved to another city and my health took a turn for the worse. One day it was just the last time we saw each other and now it’s been 17 years
i mean, those things are not your fault…most people who know each other in highschool and those years usually don’t talk again after leaving school…being sick is not your fault either
I found a social media page for Steve. He’s now married with two kids. It seems crazy to me that this whole time I’ve been sitting here rotting alone he’s been living his best life.
sometimes i feel relatively similar when compared to some of my relatives and their lives…i’m still single too. but in your case, you’re under hardships that don’t seem your fault (i mean, you don’t want to suffer whatever condition you have)
17 years have passed and what has changed for me? Just everything getting worse.
maybe you should take another pastime and not just reading theory and just keep hating capitalism like the rest of us, drawing, music, there should be stuff for you to do
So strange how you can be such close friends with someone for so long and not even be at their wedding. I was not well enough to go anyway but the not even being invited does hurt
i was guessing that he got married in these 17 years you were separated from him…how could he be able to invite you?
I don’t really know what I hope to achieve with this rant other than I have literally no-one else to talk to
the human being needs to vent somehow or face the punishment from his own mind and sanity
maybe this will make you feel better?
He could easily invite me. He knew my address. As far as hobbies i do want to learn to draw but my brain fog from my cancer treatment is so bad I just can’t concentrate. And I love hiking but I’m permanently crippled after having a stroke. Everything else costs money, I can’t even afford to do simple things. I’m a huge fan of the Outlander series and the new season starts on Sunday, can’t even afford an amazon subscription to the channel.
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I don’t just “let” myself rot and it’s very annoying when people say things like that. You clearly have no idea what it’s like dealing with cancer, its treatment and the after effects of a stroke, all at once while being dosed up to the eyeballs on many medications with a lot of side effects, and spending whole days and nights at a time at the hospital. It’s also a full time job dealing with my benefit appeal, attending and organising hospital appointments, accessing medication and food, trying to arrange hospital transport, trying to raise enough mutual aid to stay fed etc. And all this while exhausted and sick. This is not letting myself rot, this is me doing the best I can and having no energy left for anything extra.
I don’t just “let” myself rot and it’s very annoying when people say things like that
i didn’t meant to offend you, i was just trying to encourage you a little
your whole comment was rude tbh you need to give an actual apology, even when trying to give advice with the piracy you were snarky for no reason
ok, i apologize, i didn’t mean to offend you, i don’ t know what else to tell you, so i won’t say anything else
i don’t have any words of comfort or appeals that it will get better. i will look for a piracy site for outlander the show. there is nothing i can prescribe you to say “Things Will Improve Massively!”
sucks you two drifted apart. the idea everyone has different ‘paces’ in life has never soothed me. there’s only been the Best course of action for that specific person. you got sick and you resent that and it changed what your course was and it stopped you from doing many many things. you’re right. i’m sorry you have to deal with that, that it impedes your function and your mental state. steve being ‘ahead’ is still unfair. i’m sorry you’re in these straits. i’m sorry you have to do things like begfor things that should literally just be there, available. i’m sorry you have to deal with the shitty health system.
sorry. i dont know if any of this helps, you know your life better than anyone here. what you described in all your comments just makes me angry for you and misfortune. as long as we can help you with Something concrete and material rather than the emotional toll/symptoms/product of a bigger problem
what would, if not making you happy, would alleviate some of this immediate anger and misery? i mean apart from me shrinking into your body and fighting your sickness. which i would really want to do. the show you want to watch? food you like? what would you want someone to say? this is a sincere question. what do you believe would give you even an increment of happiness? i would like to try to see what we could do.
also steve being a dick is like. Thats dickhead behavior. i can sort of be like, well im glad hes happy, and sometimes ppl do drift apart, but for one again it does suck u werent able to keep up w hik and also that his job is stupid
also. u briefly talked about ur assault. i dont know what sorry means, and i doubt itd help, but i hope whatever justice exists, whether it means theyre removed from this mortal coil or something else, arrives. i dont believe in a specific means of justice being the best in absolutely every scenario. so if its punitive? Sure. damn them
I guess I’ve come to accept my basic situation, the sickness and disability are just a part of life now, that’s not going away. But the way society treats me makes it so much worse than it needs to be. I get reassessed for my benefits so frequently, it can take up to a year to go through the assessment process, then I get failed and have to go through appeal, and then if I win I get granted as little as two years before going through it all again. During these times I have no income, get into debt as deep as I can before they stop offering me more credit, and now I’ve ended up here begging for handouts. It’s this aspect which makes it so much worse because it just doesn’t have to be like this, society has decided to make it like this because it hates disabled and unemployed people so much. There’s also the constant threat of losing benefits permanently or being forced to work in this state, the government is always threatening these things. So even when I manage to pass a benefit assessment or win an appeal, I just live in a constant state of anxiety about how soon I have to go through it again, and there’s never enough time to pay off all the debts I’ve accrued during periods of no income. This will just never end.
And even on mutual aid, sometimes there’s no response, or it takes weeks and multiple posts to get a response. Thank god someone sent me a supermarket voucher this last time, but I’m always worried when it runs out nobody might respond again, it’s literally the only way I have to eat as the food bank only gives 9 days worth of food every 6 months, and all other sources of help have been stopped. I always have so many things I need but can’t buy, like right now I really need laundry disinfectant (because my skin is covered with infections that spread) but no-one is answering that mutual aid request, and there are various items I always need like eczema cream, that runs out quickly and things like that, but there’s no point making more mutual aid posts if the previous one hasn’t been answered. And just for some enjoyment in life, I wish I could order a takeaway and pay for the TV series I want to watch but there’s no point making mutual aid requests for a justeat gift card or amazon gift card, they are unlikely to be answered.
It just makes life suck more than it needs to having to beg for everything, relying on charity and knowing that even if I win my benefit appeal it will only be for a short time, then I might have to go through this again repeatedly until I finally die. Death is the only thing that will end this situation and even then I’m so paranoid that hell exists and I will go there (for shoplifting, which i’ve done a lot of over the years due to poverty). it just feels like there’s no escape, ever.
i guess i cant say i unferstand it to the level u do, but ur right for being mad. that the world has put you in this situation or anger at yourself for being sick in the first place,even though like, cognitively, it’s nobody’s fault that youre sick least of all yourself. i don’t know. i’m glad you posted here if you were looking for some sort of comfort or company or socialization, your situation is lonely and i’m sorry. i will really really look for that show on piracy sites if u cant afford it.
