I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.
I feel angry a bit now. I cried so much yesterday when I was out for my walk but now anger is here. Obviously I’m sad too but part of me is so mad that I spent 6 months now for something to not work or to be given up on so easily. It’s so upsetting. I hate that I did it but I reread me and his messages and seeing how much I tried to make things work, for two months, be trying to fix our relationship…pathetic. I got nothing bad. At one point he was just telling me that he felt like he was always telling me how special and beautiful I am and that I didn’t let it go through. What the fuck? But a few days ago he said he should’ve been more appreciative. He’s saying these now because he realizes now when we aren’t talking that I tried so hard and he didn’t care as much as I did.
That’s the part that hurts. The hardest pill to swallow for me is that. I have only known him since the end of November but I swear it feels like I’ve known him for years. This hurts me so much because I rarely feel like this with people. This urge inside me to text him is crazy. I hate that me and him didn’t talk about it in purpose, it makes my blood boil a little bit.