Okay, writing the title I feel like the answer is obvious but bear with me.
Growing up, I had a male friend for 10+ years. We fell out of touch, and 5 years later I discovered that they transitioned and they now go by a different name.
Of course I’m happy for her now, but I’m not sure how to refer to her in the context of our friendship. For example, bringing up an old story to my family. Suppose her deadname is Sam and she is now called Sarah.
Should I say, Sarah and I used to…
Or Sam and I used to…
I never knew her after her transition, but I suppose she was always a her?
I don’t mean to be offensive, I’m just ignorant :)
other people have already covered other aspects of this, but I’ll chime in on that last point - knowing the person or not after they transition shouldn’t really factor into it once you find out they’ve transitioned (apart from obviously having to clarify who you’re talking about to e.g. your family but in an ideal world that would be a one time thing).
I’d also add that while you will find trans people who are somewhere between ‘ok’ and ‘cool’ with using their deadname to refer to pre-transition, I think it’d be hard to find someone who would be adamant about using one name before and another name after - on the other hand it’s pretty easy to find a lot of people who will not want to be referred to in that way at all, and all things considered I would look to respect her wishes even if you no longer know her.
Thanks for your answer. I feel like she comes up infrequently enough to the point where I do sometimes have to clarify who I’m talking about.