Okay, writing the title I feel like the answer is obvious but bear with me.

Growing up, I had a male friend for 10+ years. We fell out of touch, and 5 years later I discovered that they transitioned and they now go by a different name.

Of course I’m happy for her now, but I’m not sure how to refer to her in the context of our friendship. For example, bringing up an old story to my family. Suppose her deadname is Sam and she is now called Sarah.

Should I say, Sarah and I used to…

Or Sam and I used to…

I never knew her after her transition, but I suppose she was always a her?

I don’t mean to be offensive, I’m just ignorant :)

  • Erika3sis [she/her, xe/xem]@hexbear.netEnglish
    29·
    1 day ago

    The best practice is to just apply the current name and pronouns “retroactively” as it were. Some individual trans people may refer to their pre-transition selves differently from their post-transition selves, but just going off myself, I can only imagine that most trans people would feel super uncomfortable if not offended or humiliated or disrespected etc, with other people talking about their pre-transition that way without permission — likewise uncomfortable if not offended etc with other people asking for their permission to talk about their pre-transition that way.

    So basically, if Sarah goes out of her way to say you can call her ‘Sam’ or call her ‘him’, then you can, but if she doesn’t, don’t assume it’s OK and don’t bring it up. That’s the etiquette I’d feel comfortable with, at least.

    It’s also better to say transgender than transgendered.

    • ghosts [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      14·
      1 day ago

      Thanks for your answer! Sometimes it’s awkward with my parents who don’t know all my friend’s names anyway, but maybe, for example, just calling her Sarah and saying “she used to go by Sam” if there’s confusion? Just trying to understand :)

      It’s also better to say transgender than transgendered.

      I’ll fix my title, thank you!

      • Erika3sis [she/her, xe/xem]@hexbear.netEnglish
        21·
        1 day ago

        just calling her Sarah and saying “she used to go by Sam” if there’s confusion?

        Please, please avoid doing that if you can — there are many, many other ways to clarify who you’re talking about than using an old name. Try mentioning, say, a shared memory, or a distinctive trait about the person, and then say that she transitioned.

        The important thing to keep in mind with this stuff is that anybody who knows somebody’s deadname can use that deadname to disrespect or harass that person. So even if you may think you’re using the deadname “innocuously” — whether that be because of an apparent “slip-up” or just because you figured it was OK to use the deadname “in that context” — every time you use the deadname, you’re making that deadname more prominent in other people’s memory, keeping it from getting forgotten, priming other people to “slip up” in turn, or even inadvertently teaching it to new people. And the more people who know someone’s deadname, as said, the more people have the ability to use that knowledge for evil.

        In other words, even if you aren’t shooting the gun, you’re still selling the bullets, right?