I feel like I always stumble on these topics too late.
I have trauma from my parents(namely my mother, dad died early and skipped out on this mess) and I held a ton of resentment for a long time, and I’m always a hair’s width away from cutting it all down. What stops me is that she’s disabled. Like, intellectual disability + borderline PD, but still able to hide it mostly, but also she should have gone to intensive therapy. My siblings and I drew the lucky sticks and have our faculties but we still have inherited disabilities; for instance I’m on the spectrum along with schizoid PD, and idiopathic physical conditions. A lot of my issues were ignored when I was younger in favor of my brother and sister, and now, 10-15 years later I’m stuck in a medical mystery loop. Even when I bring up the medical, physical and emotional neglect to my mom she just brushes it off as a joke and I’m just being dramatic. And with some of it, it’s like the regular abuser denial but I truly think for the majority of it she quite literally does not functionally understand what her actions did that hurt me and through extension my two siblings.
I am child free because I understand my deficits and how they would ultimately have a negative impact on an innocent person who didn’t choose to be here. I am glad to say I was able to get sterilized fairly easily. My mother has flip flopped between “you’re so selfish I won’t get grand babies” and “good I hate children”, so it’s safe to say I’m not even sure what her actual opinion is on my choices to be vehemently child free. I wish I could go no contact so badly, but I also feel like a heartless bitch because in her case she has the emotional and mental capability of a 15 year old, and she’s actually fairly genuine. But at the same time, why did I have to live the childhood I had, all because someone literally does not understand how raising children works? Sometimes it really is a rock and a hard place.
I feel like I always stumble on these topics too late.
I have trauma from my parents(namely my mother, dad died early and skipped out on this mess) and I held a ton of resentment for a long time, and I’m always a hair’s width away from cutting it all down. What stops me is that she’s disabled. Like, intellectual disability + borderline PD, but still able to hide it mostly, but also she should have gone to intensive therapy. My siblings and I drew the lucky sticks and have our faculties but we still have inherited disabilities; for instance I’m on the spectrum along with schizoid PD, and idiopathic physical conditions. A lot of my issues were ignored when I was younger in favor of my brother and sister, and now, 10-15 years later I’m stuck in a medical mystery loop. Even when I bring up the medical, physical and emotional neglect to my mom she just brushes it off as a joke and I’m just being dramatic. And with some of it, it’s like the regular abuser denial but I truly think for the majority of it she quite literally does not functionally understand what her actions did that hurt me and through extension my two siblings.
I am child free because I understand my deficits and how they would ultimately have a negative impact on an innocent person who didn’t choose to be here. I am glad to say I was able to get sterilized fairly easily. My mother has flip flopped between “you’re so selfish I won’t get grand babies” and “good I hate children”, so it’s safe to say I’m not even sure what her actual opinion is on my choices to be vehemently child free. I wish I could go no contact so badly, but I also feel like a heartless bitch because in her case she has the emotional and mental capability of a 15 year old, and she’s actually fairly genuine. But at the same time, why did I have to live the childhood I had, all because someone literally does not understand how raising children works? Sometimes it really is a rock and a hard place.