Hey all,

I hope I can post my request here.

I recently finished and self-published my first fantasy novel. It’s a mythical-action kind of story, set in a made-up world where Light and Night are locked in an ancient struggle.

I know the writing isn’t perfect, that’s why I’m here. I’d love some honest feedback on the first 20 pages: pacing, clarity, style, anything that stands out. If you’re up for reading, I can share it via DM or a secure link.

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look. Really appreciate the time and critique.

  • SineIraEtStudio@midwest.socialEnglish
    1·
    22 days ago

    No worries. I’ve made that mistake a few times myself :)

    Yeah, let me try and take another crack at elaborating on this. 3rd person POV would be someone watching and describing what they see (no special knowledge), which seems to be what most of the work is written as. Narrators can make statements of absolute truth which is what the beginning is (which is fine), but then it shows up again randomly in a few sections. I would say narrative writing is less perilous for the characters because the narrator knows the absolute truth of everything (past, present, and future) so they are less likely to be in danger. Kind of like if I told you a TV character was in the 3rd season of the show (absolute truth) you wouldn’t be too worried about them dying in the first 2 seasons. Hopefully, that’s a little more clear…

    I think its fine to write without giving physical characteristics, but you should have the characters fully flushed out in your head (even if you don’t tell the reader the details). This should make the characters more consistent and other characters’ interactions with them more consist.

    Since you didn’t provide descriptors or context clues on Kiran and Mira, I built up those descriptions myself based on the little I knew about them and extrapolations from there (trying to build out the world so I can “watch” what is happening through the 3rd person POV). Then they would taken an action the characters I made up wouldn’t do and it took me out of the story to figure out what went wrong (why characters weren’t behaving as I would expect them to).

    It seems the characters are plot driven rather than the plot being character driven. What I mean is that it seems that you have a plot thought out and you want your characters to follow it and even force them to follow it when it doesn’t quite make sense for them to do it that way. Takes the reader out of the story and feels “plot armor-ee”.

    I would suggeat a character driven plot where you have a fully flushed out characters (which you may already have) and then just drop them into a situation and see how they would respond. It makes for more consist characters throughout a story and if the characters wouldn’t respond the way you want them to, “why is that?” and “what do you need to tweak to get them to respond that way?” Ex. Maybe there’s bees one direction and Kiran has always been afraid of bees since he was little because he tried to hug a hive and got stung all over so they go the other way. You would need to foreshadow the plot point (bee fear) before it became relevant, but that’s a way you can tweak a character’s behaviour to match the plot you are trying to reach.

    For Mira, “let’s do this, but only if we have a plan” is a fine personality setup (and potential starting point for a character arc), but it doesn’t seem to be the case when she wants to rush into the council chamber. My suggestion would be what I said before, fully flush out the characters and drop them into the situation. If you are worried about long tangents in the writing (to make sure the characters are behaving consistantly, but it would drag down the pace) you can usually just handwave preperation time or prior actions with a sentence or two and keep the plot moving forward.

    Hopefully this all makes sense. Let me know if you want to discuss further :)

          • SineIraEtStudio@midwest.socialEnglish
            1·
            7 hours ago

            Great job on the edits. This version seems much more readable and consistent.

            Some more critiques (many extremely minor):

            • May want to do a find/replace for double spaces
            • Pg. 4: “Kings, queens. Empires swallowed by time.” First period should be a comma?
            • Pg. 5: “the wish would rot ,”; Pg. 12: “collided with Elder Rowan ,” extra space before comma
            • Pg. 5: “Tell me, Kiran.” may want a different wording as ‘tell me’ is often seen as a demand rather than a request, which the smiling would indicate it is.
            • Pg. 6: “The librarian hesitated, considering.” the librarian already agreed to it previously (“If this stays just between you and me, I can let you in.”)
            • Pg. 7: Librarian: “… People said the Night itself took his soul.” Kiran: “Please, you know how much I love to read. …” I feel like Kiran should have some reaction or acknowledgment to hearing about the last person to read in the section was torn apart, before he pushes again to get into the restricted section.
            • Pg. 7: “Quiet as a cat” / Pg. 4: ”Quiet as cats” is used twice, unless cats are a major part of the world you may want to change up the similes. Variety is more interesting or not use a similes and instead just say ‘quietly’.
            • Pg. 11: “Someone was here.” Seems pretty clear by the wording (“Kiran? Have you found what you wanted?”) that it’s the librarian and Kiran would know this. The current wording causes me to pause unnecessarily when reading to figure out if I’m missing something and someone else (librarian’s wife/step-mother) knows Kiran is looking for a book.
            • Possible time/duration issue: the sun is high at the beginning of the book (when Kiran is finishing reading a book and has a conversation with the librarian), then he goes to the restricted section, finds a book, checks out a book. When he leaves the library “the sun hung low on the horizon”.Kiran’s actions could take maybe 30 minutes, but sun change indicates multiple hours.It may be a longer duration when he’s in the restricted section (“No, no worries. I lost track of time. But I found a book.”), but it seems he’s only reading a few titles and that one page.If he’s spending significant time in the restricted section then you may want to add a sentence(s) indicating that. Something like picking up different books and reading pieces/sections of the book before putting them back and moving on to other books.
            • Pg. 11: Kiran didn’t return the library section keys. Potentially not a problem. Could put them back when the librarian is writing the title down in his journal.
            • Pg. 13: “If the lanterns go out, the Night Shadows will rise!” seems a strange thing for a leader to shout. He’s basically asking for people to panic.
            • Pg. 13: “The village was plunged into blackness.”, “Then everything went pitch dark.” I’d suggest switching blackness and dark locations, otherwise they seem to be going from no light (blackness) to some light (pitch darkness).
            • Pg. 13: Along the same lines, how did Mira found Kiran in complete blackness? Pg. 19: “Starlight traced rooftops”
            • Pg. 13: ‘“Did you see what happened outside?” she asked, already scanning the room.’ When did they move inside? Kiran is/was talking to Elder Rowan outside watching the lanterns go out.
            • Pg. 13: ‘“We need to move. But not blindly.” “What? Moving where?” he replied.’ This is confusing. Kiran is standing next to the village elder who should have the most knowledge and experience of what to do in emergency situations. The phrasing makes it seem that Mira has some special knowledge that Kiran and perhaps others don’t, but she doesn’t appear to (Pg. 17 Mira: “And how on Luminara would I know?”).
            • Pg. 14: “staying close to walls and avoiding lanterns that flickered overhead.” I’m confused. If lanterns keep you safe, why would they be avoiding lanterns, even if they aren’t working properly? Unless they are taking the paths that don’t have flickering lanterns?Seems to make more sense that they rushed to Kiran’s house but avoided paths with flickering lanterns along the way. Sticking to the walls is weird though. If darkness is dangerous then being under flickering lights would be preferential to near the walls of flickering lights.
            • Pg. 15: “then we figure it out.” contradicts your previous characterization of Mira (needs a complete plan before acting)
            • Pg. 16: “They could hide behind the large columns if someone entered.” I think this is out of place as a narration. I think it would work better as a thought or a short conversation between the two (where Kiran is nervous and Mira lays out they can hide behind the columns if someone comes in).
            • pg. 17: Why does Mira know more about the council chamber than Kiran? Maybe she sneaks in here herself from time to time to examine something(s)? Potential to drop a plot point or necessary skill early in the book.
            • pg. 18: ‘Then, grinning: “I think we should go there tomorrow.”’ Do they not have responsibilities? Seems unlikely they can just travel “Really far” at the drop of a hat.Couple options off the top of my head: they are going to discuss more at home but the village is destroyed and they have to escape. Another possibility they escape the village that night and come back the next day, Rowan sends them to the next village for help and they adventure after getting the village help.
            • pg. 19 “The answers we’re looking for are there.” What answers are they looking for besides a translation/the missing pages for Kiran’s book (which should be where they are now [archives])? May want to expand the archives section as it seems they went from plot point A to B without explanation/transition.
            • pg. 19 “Mira had always followed her instincts. And most of the time, she was right.” Feels like this is going to be used as ‘plot armor’ in the future.
            • pg. 20 “They sprinted past shuttered shops and overturned barrels, the black shapes writhing at their heels. Debris forced them to zigzag, crates, broken signs, a fallen cart still smoking.” Seems like everything got destroyed/damaged almost instantaneously. Also, why is something “still smoking”?

            I think it’s coming together quite well. You’re doing a great job :)