So a few weeks ago i had a bout with a close friend of mine (autistic nb) who lashed at me because i wasn’t supportive enough when they had a rough patch. I agree with this assessment mostly but pointed out to them that as im autistic i couldnt read the room and i was shut down that this is exactly a lot of autistic man’s way to make excuses for not putting in any effort to improve their communication.
After that i did a bit of self exploration and i did recognize that i do actually have problems with this (though with reservations that aren’t relevant here) and i feel like while most things i am completely able to communicate assertively and even proactively and have been praised for my emotional intelligence multiple times but this communication thing to me still feels like i am just playing cards in my head and my deck is completely unprepared for this scenario - someone going through it and needing support.
So does anyone have any resources (books/articles/anything i can read mostly cause im not a video person) i can start on this?
Honestly, your friend’s response frustrates me. Being autistic and having difficulty understanding social situations is not just some excuse, it’s literally part of being autistic. Sure, work on it all you want, but if you’re autistic there will never be a point in your life where you can intuitively know a person is feeling some type of way. You might be able to tell something is different, but knowing what is actually going on is much more difficult (it’s difficult for everyone, but so much worse for autistic people)
Your friend might as well be telling you to learn how to fly. The best you can do is notice there is some change in their behavior and ask what’s up. There are some obvious indicators like crying, but even that can be an expression of various emotions. You can try to understand the context, but most likely the things you think are important aren’t even relevant.
The real solution here is when your friend needs more support, they should ask for it. They shouldn’t lash out at you after the fact, they should ask. If they can’t do that because their autism gets in the way, then they should understand that you also have trouble recognizing their distress if they can’t even express it clearly.
Yeah, should clear that up, they explicitly asked for help and described what’s the problem, and THEN i froze and didn’t really communicate the fact well (+they apologised later for being harsh)
Yeah, that changes things. I still don’t think they should suggest you’re using autism as an excuse to avoid improving communication. It just feels wrong to criticize you for something that is intrinsic to autism and then say it’s an excuse when you point that out.
If someone did that to me I would probably have a fucking meltdown right then lol