“Who ?”

-Eminem

Still my favorite comeback, I use it fairly often

There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.

• He’s so dense light bends around him.
• As useless as a marzipan dildo
• As useless as lube at a funeral
• I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
• Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
• Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
• He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
• I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
• Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.

May your pillow forever be warm.

I hope you step on a Lego.

Shh! The adults are talking.

“Do you need a sign to wear?”

If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.

Also a bonus:

• don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!

(They had to say mister)

“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”

One for the modern era.

Go suck a tampon dry

“No, u”

Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.

It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.

After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”

I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.

“Calm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”

“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”

or

“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”

They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel

Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.

“Wow, you’re the worst part of both your parents”

“Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?” - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.