I don’t think you understand.

I’ve had people severely jealous of me, for fake things. They’d put me on a humongous pedestal and be jealous that I’m “better”. That they need to be me if they want to be pretty, talented, smart, loved, etc. That they were doomed to be losers for the rest of their lives because they aren’t me. That they had to erase themselves entirely and copy everything about me to not be a loser. I have no idea what they’re going through that led them to those feelings, but that hurts me a lot as well.

I had no style or luxury clothes, just cheap ass Wish Dot Com clothes and hand me downs from older relatives & parents. I had zero talents, just hobbies I was mediocre at and refused to progress at to avoid the special attention. My career choice was just another career choice. It wasn’t better than all the others. It was just one that existed that I regret even revealing about myself since it gave me so much fake Status above everyone else.

I did everything to beat myself down, to look stupid & insane, and to be as unattractive as possible to make it all end, but it made everything worse. Everyone saw that I was a smelly gross ugly [r word] but I still had status and was better, smarter, and more talented than everyone despite being ugly and gross. They spend all this time on making themselves attractive and some slob still sweeps them despite doing nothing.

It didn’t matter what I did. I was still the equivalent of a Kardashian child but without the money. All I wanted was normality. I really should have just died.