transcription: what if we escaped the psyche ward together…

      • Smorty [she/her]@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        61·
        2 days ago

        oh… erotador rlli told u somethn…

        listn. shes nt the problm. im jus rlli bad at connimicatin how bad im feelin.

        Ive been lik dis since childhood.

        body stuff. beware ~ (not cool body stuff)
        • I told mother bout tummy aches when that part of my stomache was about to explode (duno ingish word, got operated out thad same day m doctor said “holi phuck how did dis lil ~ man~ nt tell u earlier”)
        • I didn tell mothr bout rlli bad bum pain when shiddin until i startd comin crying from toilet from pain n she askd me whad it was (i wana be like her some day <3 shes vrri nice and reasonable and caring person to evrione)
        • i didn mention the trans until i startd havin suicidal thoughts (which took years)

        i generalli hold problms for myself, so they remain mine and dont pleague others.

        and still in therapi i usualli downplay evrithin… last time i litrlli said “not mch is holdin me alive rn” bt i obv put tons of fluff to distract from heavi bad words >v<

        i alsuu toldy mothr (becausey othr kinda therapist recognizd thad im doin vrri badli m told me “talk to mother and therapy TODAY! this is serious”.

        i told both, but both didn rlli see the big deal. thn latr i told mother again (maybe there was missumdratandin) n then she went “oh… OOOOOH oh yea no thads bad. i rlli hope therapist cn somehow help!”

        n now im waiting…for her to say “I got the letter”… because she didn’t give one for weeks so I had to make my own… and now im waitin for reply… so that she and my kinda therapist can call and she cn say thad im actulli doin vrrri bad and am vrri sad rn…

        mayb erotador is right. mayb i rlli am nt the problm. bt i think im jus undersellin things again… so eh -

        • TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zoneMEnglish
          7·
          2 days ago

          smorty!!! if your therapist was properly serving you, you wouldn’t be trauma dumping to us as often as you do. she’d have affirmed your gender ages ago and wouldn’t have fucked around for so long. you keep blaming yourself like someone in an abusive relationship!

          I’ve had these problems with your therapist for months, long before i ever talked with adora about them, so don’t think I’m angry because of her. i get really upset when therapists “wait and see” or question a person’s identity when they’re so clearly trans

          • Smorty [she/her]@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
            21·
            2 days ago
            sad, do not read

            well - u only kno me on the lemmi! im sadli vrri mch diffrent in the real life stuff…

            also like - i am nt obvipusli trans irl sadli…

            the long phuggn around is nt cuz any of us want to (i think), bt becuz there jus is ainimum amount of sessions to hav before one is - pfficialli decided-… if that is tru, it doesnt hav anythin to do with therapist.

            bt yes, ur right, from whad it sayin it rlli does sound lik abusiv relationship. ive always blamed myself for stff so why not now ----

            i onli hav that many possible sessions i can take and im currentli on a dry spot where theres no therapy aswell as no kinda therapy cuz of holidays…

            my kinda therapist seems to undrstand a lot mor than actual therapist, mayb cuz she specializes in autistic peeps ~

            EDIT: oh yes alsuualsuu i like - i somtime sit down on thinks and things n then go “hold on… dis position is generalli associated with depressed people… yea no we wouldn wan thad -” n then I go sit somewhere else in a more normal way and pretend im thinkin bout somthin real hard >v<

            oki im don yappin now ~

            • hazel@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
              2·
              2 days ago

              What do you think separates your Lemmy persona from IRL? Do you feel more comfortable expressing yourself authentically here than out in the world? I find it hard to believe that the “real you” is a totally different person. I know you struggle to express your femininity out there, and probably conceal a lot of yourself. Plenty of us have been there, and we realise in retrospect that we weren’t doing nearly as good a job of masking as we thought we were. That’s kinda the whole theme of egg_irl.

              If you’ve exhausted your allotment of therapy sessions for this period, and you’re still not feeling comfortable enough to speak plainly with your therapist, then I agree with TotallynotJessica that this speaks to a failing on their part, or at least indicates that this therapist isn’t a good fit for you. I’m on my sixth psychologist, and it took me until now to feel comfortable digging deep and really working through stuff in a meaningful way.

              It sucks that you have to shop around like this, and go to all the time, expense and emotional burden of opening up to new psychs trying to find the right one, but it will serve you well in the end. It sounds like you’ve made enough of an effort with this one to declare that they’re not right for you, and it might be time to cut your losses.

              • Smorty [she/her]@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
                3·
                2 days ago

                listn. if i were to hop out now, id onli get one in about half a year.

                alsuu, i didn “expend” amounts of sessions, thads not a thing here. its jus holidays rn so she jus doesn work (bt i do…)

                so, agn, like… she does see thad i want hormones n is evn offerin it. while i rllirllirllirlli need hormones, i need a way to not die of fear too (cuz i got supr bad needl fear n they have to do monthli blood checkups so i lik… thads my main thing rn)

                im srri, othrs wud be vrri happi with my position on jus get them hormones n finalli be marginabli oki. bt sadli nt me… nt yet at least…

                • hazel@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
                  3·
                  2 days ago

                  Okay, if you’re progressing towards the goals you feel are most important right now then I’m happy for you. The impression I got was that you still don’t feel comfortable enough articulating the true severity of your issues to make any real progress, but perhaps I’m missing the whole story. I’m sorry if I overstepped.

                  Monthly blood checkups is insane! My prescriber only wants quarterly, but I guess the frequency isn’t the point for you. >1 is too many. Needle fear is real. I really hope you can make some progress with that soon. Perhaps your doctor could prescribe an anxiolytic to help you ease into it. Never hurts to ask!

      • Zorsith@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        4·
        2 days ago

        Y’all have therapists? (Seriously, i had to wait 2.5 months for a psychologist appointment that I’m… a little conflicted on and upset with after having gone through the appointment.)