we’ve got all these nukes—all these nukes around. what are we doing with them? not a thing. they’re just sitting there! now the doctor says—he says I’m very handsome, the best he’s ever seen for my age—and I go: “for my age?”

you ever heard of this whole ‘death’ thing? horrible. horrible. they just told me about it for the first time. he’s telling me about it and I go “wow,” and I sit there, and you know the first thought I have—it’s “how do we let this happen in our beautiful country?”

so I go and I start talking to people, smart people—a little dumb, some of them—but overall very smart. The dumb ones, they go mocking gestures of cowardice oh you can’t, you can’t defy the divine cycle of life and death, god would be sad—how do they know that, seriously, How Do They Know That? But the smart ones, the smart ones, they bring a lot of books, and they say a lot of weird phrases, a few of which make sense. and we sit and think for a while about what to do about this death thing. rapturous applause we’re gonna have it fixed.

first, we’re unbanning CFCs, yes we’re unbanning them. fridges, they’ll be good again. aerosol. good again. we need to soften it. “soften what?” these guys—smart, they’re on the ball. I didn’t even know there was something up there. “what’s up there?” I’ll tell you: we’re nuking the firmament! our great, powerful, strong troops, they’re going to go into heaven. and this ends when Heaven is the great, admired, warmly welcomed FIFTY-EIGHTH state! deafening cheers