I wish I could figure it what’s wrong with me. Am I rapid-cycling bipolar? Is it ADHD? Is it autism? I’ll go days, maybe even a week or more feeling like I have barely any energy at all, it’ll be hard to do much more than a quick chore or two. Fatigued, unmotivated, energy drinks don’t really work. And then all if a sudden boom, awake at 7am, energy drinks kick my ass. Yesterday I was doing chores/projects from 11am to 1am. Couldn’t fall asleep til around 3am, and now I’m up naturally at 8am, with energy to go. Towards the end of the night I got hyperfixated on making pretty excel spreadsheet templates so that might be why I was up so late. I’m also spending hundreds of dollars on things all at once which I normally never do… But they are all practical and I’m tired of not having things that make my life nicer/easier.

I was way more scattered than usual yesterday, bouncing around like a pinball, but my baseline is pretty forgetful/ scattered, it was just on overdrive yesterday. I wish I could harness this energy all the time for things like work, socializing, or hobbies so that I could make them a normal part of my life. I’ve even been able to/WANT to play video games! I can never get myself to do that even, which is relatively low effort so I feel like thats a decent marker of a shift in baseline. This nay be hypomania, but I’m not getting the confidence/inflated sense of self esteem which I need so badly.

What fucking gives? thurston

PS here are some examples from my mood tracker of where I’m normally at, first graph from 2023 (i stopped tracking for a long time)and third is from this month(the green lines to the right are just the past couple of days that I’m talking about: