I was having a plenty shitty day, dropped right back in a bad mental place, and then out of left field I find out my dog’s toe needs to be cut off and possibly just be put down. He’s 13, so it’s not like it’s strange or anything, but I’m just such a fucking baby sometimes it disgusts me. I’ve been just barely able to keep my thoughts off of how much everything in my life seems like it will only ever get worse and I can feel the wild spasms of mania on the edges of my mind. I absolutely dread the moment I have to slip into bed and be alone with my thoughts. Over the years, I’ve always had issues. This isn’t anywhere near the worst I’ve been. This isn’t even the first time I’ve been afraid of my own thoughts. Somehow, though, it just feels different this time. I guess I’ve just gotten more fragile. No surprises there, I guess. I’m just so tired of myself and everything else at this point.
Going to agree with others. Have something on that you can hear in the background. It can be just above a whisper, it can be just nature noises or white noise, it can be a movie or TV show as long as it doesn’t get so loud that it wakes you, it can be audiobooks or podcasts. I know someone who enjoys silent film scores as they don’t have human voices which intrude or wake one up and the colors of such playing on a TV are muted generally.